Sunday, July 03, 2011


Guys are brought up in this world to be strong: physically, mentally, and emotionally. They’re supposed to be the rock laying the foundation for everything, to weather anything thrown at them, and the keep things calm. It’s the model I aspire to, yet sometimes I question how I’m doing. On the outside I have my act together; I’m happy, my career is progressing well, I’m in good shape and health, I’m actively pursuing my interests, and I know I’m self-sufficient and very capable of doing whatever I set my mind to. On the inside though, sometimes I wonder if I have it together.


If it’s one thing I fear and loathe in the world, it’s vulnerability. Not heights, spiders, failure, enclosed spaces, or much of anything else really...but vulnerability. I can’t even explain how much I hate it, as it sounds like such a weakness and it’s the antithesis of what I aspire to. Unfortunately I know it’s one of those catch 22’s...because in order to get the most out of any relationship and to be a complete man you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable. 

Every time I think I’m ready I get figuratively punched in the face, kicked in the groin and pummeled relentlessly. Maybe my idealistic romantic side takes over and I start setting unrealistic expectations...maybe I get excited because I let my guard down so rarely it’s nice to feel those familiar feelings again...or maybe I’m just an idiot who never learns from my previous mistakes and I’m doomed to repeat them. God, I sound so emo writing this I’m getting a little sick to my stomach and I fucking hate it.

Wiggity wack

As I go through the memories I have of my past relationships and dating experiences, I vividly remember each time I’ve opened myself up only to get crushed...and promising myself each time to never feel this way again, and always without fail, eventually breaking that promise to myself. 

This usually occurs in 2 year cycles through a series of steps:
  1. I date someone and open myself up and then it ends in pain and disappointment
  2. I vow never to feel this way again
  3. I stay single for roughly two years where I either:
    1. Date casually and inevitably end up hurting others because they want something more and I don't
    2. Don't date at all to focus on improving myself, noticing and rectifying mistakes I've made, and aspiring to be a better person through all aspects of life
I’ve done more of the latter as I’ve aged; the way I see it if you’re not ready for something more then you’re simply not’re just going to cause heartache for both parties involved. But as luck would have it...without fail, whenever I think I’m ready again, I put myself out there only to have it come crashing back down on me.

Back to square one

I don’t know if this is “normal” or if I’m just a sensitive ninny. I don’t think I’m the latter...I take insults and criticisms like water off a duck’s back, I can be a little more empathetic, I rarely cry, and I don’t particularly enjoy talking about my feelings. When I do feel emotional pain I usually channel these feelings into writing, exercising, doing something constructive, or into my sense of humour. They’re my problems and my problems alone. No one else needs to deal with them or get caught up in them. Better to keep people smiling and laughing than having them worry about me. Again, this probably stems from hating vulnerability...but I shouldn’t burden anyone else with my problems and need to “man up,” right? Or maybe I haven’t found the right people/person willing to listen to and put up with me and my crap, flaws and everything?

I’ve been here 10 months now, and my usual 2 year cycle is coming to an end. I plan on living here for a long time, and I’ve been through enough experiences to know what I like and don’t like, know what I can and can’t do, and know what I’m looking for in a relationship. My friends are starting to get engaged or married, and I’m very happy for them. I’m not under any pressure to rush into anything nor would I want to rush into anything...but sometimes I wonder if they’ve all figured something out that I haven’t figured out yet? 

Looking ahead

I feel like I have many things figured out already: I live in the heart of a major global city, I’m young and I know what I’m doing with my life, and I have the time and wherewithal to live how I want to live. I should be enjoying the bachelor life by going out every week to try to sleep with any woman I can, right? It’s funny because that lifestyle doesn’t appeal to never has, and I’d very much like something real from here on out. Maybe I’ll get it, maybe I won’t...but it’s time to put myself out there again.

Let’s see if history repeats itself.


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